Today in Church I was reminded of one of the funniest verses I know. Mark 9:43-47 was read in Church. To paraphrase I would say ~ If your right arm causes you to sin, cut it off. This verse is not funny because of what it says, it is because of an event that happened when I heard it (like it was the first time I had really heard it, and It sank in). Think of a cheating husband, what do you think needs to be cut off?
But seriously this is an important verse in the bible. Does your arm, foot, or even your eye really cause you to sin? Probably not, I will tell you what does… your best friend, your unfaithful or abusive spouse or partner, your family members who are constantly hurting you (mentally or physically), and I could go on.
These are the toxic people in our lives and I believe that God is telling us that we need to cut them off. Throughout our lives, we meet people become friends and attach ourselves to others. We get married and according to the bible, we become one! We grow up learning to honor our mother and father. But now these people are hurting us, and in order to servive we do many things we are ashamed of.
I don’t like getting angry, makes me feel I am less then even though it is a normal human emotion. It helps to clarify what I am angry at. For example, when my daughter throws her food on the floor… I am not angry at her (she is my daughter and she is learning), but I am angry at her actions. This refocus helps keep me even kealed when I am dealing with her “punishment”
When God is talking to Cain (who is about to kill his brother), God says that anger is like a tiger crouching at the door. So anger will let the crouching tiger of sin through the door.
So while I still love (and pray everyday for) these toxic people, I choose to cut them off. Why, because the pain and hurt they gave me (and continue to give me) is just not worth the sin the anger causes me to commit. It is best to be marred by the scar left when you cut them off, then to be thrown into hell for their sake!
I really do love many of the individuals that I have cut off. And I have forgiven them. This is important, we do need to forgive them as God has forgiven us. God also does not want us to suffer. So the moral for this rant is:
1. Turn the other cheek
a. It is important to just survive
b. Don’t retaliate
c. Keep your anger to a minimum
2. Don’t let sin in
a. Don’t let the anger control your actions
b. Hold your tounge
c. Control your actions.
3. Forgive them
a. It is normal to feel some anger
b. Remember what you are truely angry about
c. Let go of the anger
4. Pray for them! (Everyday)
a. Pray for these people everyday… till one of you die!
5. Cut them off… Just get away!
a. There is no shame in walking away!
b. Don’t return to the abuse (our biggest mistake)
c. Allow yourself to heal.
We also need to make amends… this is our healing. When someone does wrong to me (or one of my kids), this is how we always check in with ourselves to see if we were wrong in anyway!
• Did we say something we soulden’t have
• Did we do something wrong
• Did we do something that provoked them, even if it was the right thing!
A lot of times toxic people are triggered by something, and whether we were right or wrong… we triggered it (not always the case). So review your actions and when you are truely in the wrong … Confess this! In making an amends, there is no need to leave out abuse that person did… just don’t use it to excuse your actions!
My Amends
1. My mom: Beverly Oscarson!
Dear mom,
I am sure you will likely never read this, but I am going to say this anyway. I have always loved you, unconditionally. I know I can’t say the same for you. I am sure there are things I did in the past that were wrong, as I was growing up and learning. I know that I never deserved the treatment that you gave me! The abuse was far to much for a single person to bare.
Because of the abuse, I have made some bad decisions (no I am not blaming you for them). The abuse altered my mindset and nearly killed my spirit. I have told you before what you did, in hopes that you might have not realized the pain and destruction you released on me.
• I never felt Love from you
• I felt like a burden (I wanted to die by the time I was 14… even prayed for it)
• I felt like a servent (not a daughter)
• I felt like I ment nothing to you
• I spent most of my life trying to make you proud, but never could make the cut.
• I followed what God lead me to do, and it was never enough!
I can’t personally think of something that I have done to deserve this treatment (again I was a child, and you were ment to love me, protect me, and guide me to be a healthy God fearing woman). One hint nothing I or anyone else could have done deserved the treatment that you gave me.
So I will be going no contact with you, and my family will stop speaking with you! I will (and have been) praying for you. We even for Ray, who did his own damage. I pray that one day, when I do die… that I will be able to see you in heaven. I know in my heart that if I meet you in heaven, that you truely made amends and changed your ways.
I will not apologise for setting boundaries (that you never respected). I will not apologise for going no contact. If you truely want to make amends, then seek counseling for your narcissistic tendencies. Then when ready to make amends you can have your counselor contact Dad (they will have to leave a message for him asking to pass on my information).
Love,
Jennifer
2. My first husband: Keegan Waibel
Dear Keegan,
I am sure you won’t read this, but just in case I am putting this here! I loved you with with all of my heart. My love was unconditional, and I know now that you never loved me. Me and your son were just items to throw away.
Marriage is special, to God it is sacred and begins when you promise to marry someone. I will let that sink in… we were in High School when you promised to marry me and then you left me! You then searched me out, and actually married me… then you cheated on me and left me! You committed Adultery in High School, and again after we were reconected!
As a Husband and Wife, we become one. A Husband (and Wife) is ment to treat his spouse like they are part of him, and you did not! Even after you cheated on me and you told me you wanted to leave… I still woke up at 3am, woke up our infant son, and drove down the highway to pick you up after you ran a red light and flipped another vehicle… totaling your one car! One hint here… God was trying to give you a second chance with your family!
You did wrong, and nothing I ever did deserved this:
• You cheated on me
• You made fun of me
• You treated me like a maid
• You treated me like a babysitter
• You physically hurt me
• You rejected me
• You rejected your son
• And most importantly, You rejected God!
I apologize for slapping you, it was wrong even though you deserved that and worse! I will not apologize for the following:
• Setting Boundaries
• Protecting our son
• Going no contact with you
If at some point you would like to make amends, you can seek counseling for your anger ( Christopher does not need the influence of the crouching tiger of sin) and you can have your counselor get in contact with me! Till that point, I request that you leave me and my family alone!
3. My second husband: Steven Weiner
Dear Steven,
I am sure that you will not see this, but just in case I am putting this here. I loved you unconditionally, and you used that to your advantage. You hurt me in many ways:
• Physically
• Emotional
• Sexually
• Financially
• Used my children against me
You committed Adultery, in thought, word and deed. One you had pornography (Thought). Two you told me that I needed (like it was a requirement) to give you a “hall pass” so you could have sex with a “red head” or you would resent me (Word). Three according to God … Marriage starts when you promise to marry someone, after you promised to marry me you decided to “take a break” so you could sleep with another woman (deed). You see, I had every right to leave you! In fact according to God you are still committing adultery because you were the guilty party!
You have hurt your daughter in many ways:
• Physically
• Emotionally
• Keeping her from me (like she was a pawn)
I will not appologize for setting boundaries, protecting my family, going no contact with you. If at some point, you decide you need to make amends. You need to go to counseling for your narcissistic tendencies and when ready, have your counselor contact me!
Rock bottom to success 